September 13, 2014

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Movie Review - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Movie poster Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Well summer has been tough for me. For one, the heat was brutal, I broke a paw, lost my best friend and my parents switched my treats, which gave your dawg a furious case of the runs. I hate running…

This reminds me of the latest movie I saw, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I was semi-excited for it, but as soon as the credits started rolling I had this inkling that I probably wouldn’t like it, much like the summer heat. The franchise had some good material to work with from past movies but it was a broken mess and limped to its weak conclusion. While I could never compare it to losing my best buddy Hendrix, I did feel like there is a part of my childhood I can’t get back. In the end, this made me feel nauseous and gave me another case of the runs. I hate running…

Dilla playing with his friend Hendrix So opting to go for the “full experience” I threw some extra milk-bones toward a 3D ticket. Big mistake. The movie was too dark for 3D it felt like watching a bootleg. Sigh… first off full disclosure, I may be biased. Turtles confuse me. They sit there moving slyly, their heads and legs disappear and they just sit there.

These turtles however, move, they talk and they even make jokes. They kick butt and were mostly likable, but then they interacted with Megan Fox and well, it just goes downhill every time that happens. (Yeah, like you needed more reason not to trust a Fox… but I digress).

If you have seen any previous Turtles movie (and by any I mean the original and Secret of the Ooze only) You would be expecting to watch a movie largely focused on the titular heroes in a half shell. You’d be disappointed. This movie focuses mostly on April O’Neil.

If you are thinking this could ruin the movie… you’d be right. This was the true villain in all of this, not enough screen time for our favorite green ninjas!

Speaking of which Shredder… Ok Shredder was bacon on bone bad-ass until he puts on what should have been his iconic suit. And then… he looks like a vacuum cleaner with knives poking out. Silly.

While Shredder is pretty great at kicking the turtles tails, he finds a worthy opponent in Master Splinter. I have to commend the stunt team on Splinters martial arts skills and fighting ability. You finally get to see Splinter wrecking shop like me on linoleum floors. But just when you are into the fight sequences, the movie tries to be clever by giving you the backstory on these amazing ninja skills… let’s just say it left my head quarter cocked to the side trying to figure out what they were thinking. (No spoilers. You gotta suffer just like I did if you want to find out what happened.) So yeah let’s just say this hot mess left me running from the theater yelping for relief. I hate running…

Dilla's rating:


by Dilla
by Dilla

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Movie buffs and novices alike will get a kick out of Dilla sharing a Bite of Life, entertaining viewers with his take on movies from a dog’s perspective.